How am I? v.01

1. Life could be sometimes empty that no matter how you drive, nothing comes back in return. It. Is. Just. Plain. It is but empty.

Perhaps, that is what happening to me right now. You know what, I go to work. I love my work though lot of times it could be tough on me. There are times I hate staying in the city and be away from my family that even 7:00pm after work and I am lying on my bed, I just find myself dressing up and preparing to go home. Perhaps, I am experiencing the stages of a young adult struggling into adulthood. I am turning 23 next month and I can tell myself I have done something to make my years of stay in this world a productive one. I am trying to be an obedient child of God, a good daughter to my parents and a hardworking government employee. But then again, here comes a lot of questions bothering me. Am I happy? Yes, perhaps. There are lot of things in this world that I could be thankful for, and satisfied of what has been given to me, that could be enough to say I am happy.

But these past few days, I just can feel sadness. I do not know why. Some of my friends told me it is just a product of stress. It can be. For five months, I have been doing overtime because of my work load and I have missed a lot of things. Yet, I have to face reality and I have to work. Stress can be a factor and if it is the real reason, then I have to overcome it. I am hoping that I can relive what I have to relive soon and find what I am looking for. Maybe, this is the stage of my life where I should find myself. Maybe I am lost. Maybe.

2. Moving Forward. Someone had broke my heart one and a half year ago and I can say I am already fine. Many months before this day, I have been so happy. I assured him that I am okay despite everything. I have accepted everything. I embraced the changes. I can even look at his picture without the trace of pain. I exchanged messages with his girlfriend and I was not bitter. Honestly, he tried to win the “us” back but I neglected. That moment when all you wanted is to believe in fairytale but you chose to be wide awake, I believe that is a way of growing up, not because you have pride but you are thinking of the current situation and you know when you are out of his life, he could be better. That is sacrifice, my dear, and you have to stand that decision, I have to stand that decision. I have forgiven and I chose to get away.

I tried to be silent and live my life separate to him. There are times that he can be so chatty, and all I can do is agree and be happy for him. I am. I bet he is trying to make me jealous and I was telling myself that, “I have grown up.” Yeah, I wish I am.

Perhaps, part of the struggles choosing to be single and “someone who got away” is the loneliness and throb when you are missing someone. I do not know if this is good but I think this is not right. I thought I am fine, but I guess I have failed to move forward. This is indeed NOT EASY.

I am not going back. That was my promise, and I am praying that I could be all good. Despite the thought that I just realized I was pretending that I have moved on, I hope everything will progress and I will be fully fine. Yes, I am still in the stage of moving on and accepting that everything between us are all over - all over only long ago. I maybe too hard-headed for that, but I know these all shall pass and all of the red in the surroundings will be red to me once again, in the right time.